My first post; Why I am here
Jun. 9th, 2010 01:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
herbal_dogI haven't had the time to make a post until now, which I'm sorry for. I'm nervous to write this, because I will be stating things that I have never told anyone before. I'm sure nobody is reading, so I'm not sure why it is affecting me so. Perhaps it is because even though I have known about this part of myself for a while now, and have even put money into it, I have never spoken or written it out for myself or others to see- to really admit that this is why I am here. Though, to be honest, I'm a little excited; I have been fearing but longing the time when I could let this out. Oh- and the fact that I'm typing it up on a laptop I just bought 13 hours or so ago doesn't hurt at all, either!
Let me begin by laying out just a bit of background on myself. I was born on January 16, 1992, in a Mobile, Alabama. I was quite a surprise to my parents. Only now did they learn that there had been a mistake in their planning. Doctors were sure that my mother was going to give birth to a bouncing baby boy- but instead, it was me. A female. My parents were quite happy about this, however, after recovering from the shock. Their experience with male children was not positive; my half-brother (17 years older than I) had been a difficult child, while my sister, seven at the time, was lovable and affectionate. They had a daughter.
From the time I started school, I was something of an outcast. I was not interested in the things the girls liked, so I was not able to socialize with them. I was not a boy, so in spite of my similarities to the boys, I was not able to socialize with them. I believe this is why today I have such a fear of other people, and find it hard even to talk to sales reps, extended family, store clerks... anyone I am not very familiar with. Anyhow, I grew up being a tomboy in every sense of the word. While I was in private school (Mobile Christian from grades K-4 through 3rd) I had one friend. I remember everything about her because she kept me sane even at that age. Then I moved on to public school. I had no friends in Elementary and few in middle school because I still just... didn't fit.
High school brought about a big change. My friends from middle school either fell away from me completely or became a key part of my life. I made friends with their friends. I was not popular- and still I often felt awkward- but I was no longer a loner. I came out of my shell a bit, but I still was faced with teasing. In 9th grade, I learned the term dyke. It was often applied to me. At first I didn't like it, but then... I tried to be a lesbian. It wasn't hard to act like a lesbian. I had a genuine attraction to the female body shape, though I felt stronger attraction to males. However, I could not bring myself to date a girl- even girls I had crushes on. Initially it was because my entire family is religious. (So am I, but I am under the impression that God saves... right?) But I grew to realize I also had a deep-seated hatred of female genitals- including my own. I'd wanted a male body my whole life, but I never grasped until now my utter disgust with female genitalia. I also came to hate my breasts very much, although I continued to find them somewhat attractive on other women.
Through the internet (which I had been steadfastly nerdy for since I was about 8) I met my first transgendered person- a male-to-female. I didn't think female-to-males existed yet, but the idea of a sex change disgusted me at this point. I longed so much to be a male... WHY would anyone give up what I desired so much?
When I met a female-to-male transgendered person for the first time... well, I thought it was weird. I didn't think too much of it, because it was no option for me, for familial reasons. But then, an artist I watched (and still do) with much respect on the website Fur Affinity came out as an FTM. I was astounded, shocked, and... obsessed. Not with the person: with the concept. It fit. I couldn't think of anything else. It consumed my mind. I stopped wishing I was more girly. I felt confident. I was a whole new person. My body-hate lessened. I started to care about my appearance, something I'd never done before other than to consider myself ugly. I started to dress better- but in male clothing. I stopped thinking I was an ugly girl. I saw a guy who needed to lose weight, but had the potential to be handsome. I began to feel a burning desire for... a beard.
That is almost precisely where I am today. This all occurred my senior year- I graduated about four weeks ago. The only progress I've made is to buy a binder, and express my dysphoria to my very closest friend. (She didn't like it much, but she didn't falter in her friendship for a second.)
However, I knew since finding out that... if I WAS an FTM, it was a negative thing. I could never transition because I could not tell my family. I come to you today as a person with issues. I do not consider myself FTM because I refuse to self-diagnose it. As soon as possible, I hope to meet a therapist and discover if I am transgendered, or if it is another problem. However, there are no LGBTQ therapists in my area, and I must visit the therapist in secret. If I visit and I am truly an FTM... I have to chose to live forever knowing I'm the wrong gender without transitioning, or I must lose my family.
Anyhow, there is my very, very long journal, and now a short introduction: I am Sydney but I prefer Sid. I prefer male pronouns but I don't enforce it. I also go by Milk or Milk-bone, as has been my "online nickname" for about seven years.
If anyone read this... Wow, I'm very sorry I was so long-winded. In the future, I hope to do videos, so perhaps it will be less monotonous.
------------------------------------------
EDIT: Just for the record, I thought I'd throw a picture in. It's not a very good one, but... Well, I just think it's a good idea to put one here. My hair is long, but tucked under my cap. I'm growing it longer, so that when I cut my hair short, I can donate it to Locks of Love.
Let me begin by laying out just a bit of background on myself. I was born on January 16, 1992, in a Mobile, Alabama. I was quite a surprise to my parents. Only now did they learn that there had been a mistake in their planning. Doctors were sure that my mother was going to give birth to a bouncing baby boy- but instead, it was me. A female. My parents were quite happy about this, however, after recovering from the shock. Their experience with male children was not positive; my half-brother (17 years older than I) had been a difficult child, while my sister, seven at the time, was lovable and affectionate. They had a daughter.
From the time I started school, I was something of an outcast. I was not interested in the things the girls liked, so I was not able to socialize with them. I was not a boy, so in spite of my similarities to the boys, I was not able to socialize with them. I believe this is why today I have such a fear of other people, and find it hard even to talk to sales reps, extended family, store clerks... anyone I am not very familiar with. Anyhow, I grew up being a tomboy in every sense of the word. While I was in private school (Mobile Christian from grades K-4 through 3rd) I had one friend. I remember everything about her because she kept me sane even at that age. Then I moved on to public school. I had no friends in Elementary and few in middle school because I still just... didn't fit.
High school brought about a big change. My friends from middle school either fell away from me completely or became a key part of my life. I made friends with their friends. I was not popular- and still I often felt awkward- but I was no longer a loner. I came out of my shell a bit, but I still was faced with teasing. In 9th grade, I learned the term dyke. It was often applied to me. At first I didn't like it, but then... I tried to be a lesbian. It wasn't hard to act like a lesbian. I had a genuine attraction to the female body shape, though I felt stronger attraction to males. However, I could not bring myself to date a girl- even girls I had crushes on. Initially it was because my entire family is religious. (So am I, but I am under the impression that God saves... right?) But I grew to realize I also had a deep-seated hatred of female genitals- including my own. I'd wanted a male body my whole life, but I never grasped until now my utter disgust with female genitalia. I also came to hate my breasts very much, although I continued to find them somewhat attractive on other women.
Through the internet (which I had been steadfastly nerdy for since I was about 8) I met my first transgendered person- a male-to-female. I didn't think female-to-males existed yet, but the idea of a sex change disgusted me at this point. I longed so much to be a male... WHY would anyone give up what I desired so much?
When I met a female-to-male transgendered person for the first time... well, I thought it was weird. I didn't think too much of it, because it was no option for me, for familial reasons. But then, an artist I watched (and still do) with much respect on the website Fur Affinity came out as an FTM. I was astounded, shocked, and... obsessed. Not with the person: with the concept. It fit. I couldn't think of anything else. It consumed my mind. I stopped wishing I was more girly. I felt confident. I was a whole new person. My body-hate lessened. I started to care about my appearance, something I'd never done before other than to consider myself ugly. I started to dress better- but in male clothing. I stopped thinking I was an ugly girl. I saw a guy who needed to lose weight, but had the potential to be handsome. I began to feel a burning desire for... a beard.
That is almost precisely where I am today. This all occurred my senior year- I graduated about four weeks ago. The only progress I've made is to buy a binder, and express my dysphoria to my very closest friend. (She didn't like it much, but she didn't falter in her friendship for a second.)
However, I knew since finding out that... if I WAS an FTM, it was a negative thing. I could never transition because I could not tell my family. I come to you today as a person with issues. I do not consider myself FTM because I refuse to self-diagnose it. As soon as possible, I hope to meet a therapist and discover if I am transgendered, or if it is another problem. However, there are no LGBTQ therapists in my area, and I must visit the therapist in secret. If I visit and I am truly an FTM... I have to chose to live forever knowing I'm the wrong gender without transitioning, or I must lose my family.
Anyhow, there is my very, very long journal, and now a short introduction: I am Sydney but I prefer Sid. I prefer male pronouns but I don't enforce it. I also go by Milk or Milk-bone, as has been my "online nickname" for about seven years.
If anyone read this... Wow, I'm very sorry I was so long-winded. In the future, I hope to do videos, so perhaps it will be less monotonous.
------------------------------------------
EDIT: Just for the record, I thought I'd throw a picture in. It's not a very good one, but... Well, I just think it's a good idea to put one here. My hair is long, but tucked under my cap. I'm growing it longer, so that when I cut my hair short, I can donate it to Locks of Love.
