herbal_dog

I have been thinking about gender identity and how it fits in with sexual orientation a lot recently as I have been questioning both- feeling male (nothing new) and feeling an orientation shift.

This may seem a bit complex, I hope it's easy to follow. This is just a personal thing but it may be interesting.

It is not very surprising that most Female-to-Males are attracted to women because most men are attracted to women. I, on the other hand, identify as predominantly gay, insofar as I consider myself male. However, as I find myself becoming more open to a gender transition, I have been feeling more attracted to people of the female gender. I have always been somewhat attracted to women but more in a manner of general physique; I would not think of or seek the attention of a female in a sexual manner, though I admired "cute" or "hot" women as though I had such an interest. I have a bit of a theory on this.

Assume that I was born with a natural inclination towards females. This theory is based mostly around this idea.

Say I was born with the attraction to girls. However, I am female-bodied and male-minded. This has caused me over the 18 years I have been alive to have a very strong disinclination toward female bodies. I hate that I have one and this loathing transfers onto other women, numbing my attraction toward them. Meanwhile, my mind is subconsciously yearning for a male physique, leading me to have a very strong attraction to male bodies. This is while I am UNAWARE of any manner of transgender status.

Upon becoming aware of it, emotional stress against female body is reduced. This leads me to feeling more open to the female gender because I no longer have such a strong negative stigma about them.

Thoughts, opinions, theories?

----NOTE:
I have made a livejournal to mirror this journal for those who aren't able to create a dreamwidth account at the time. If you follow me here it's unnecessary to follow me there as the same content will be posted on both sites. My username there is also herbal_dog.

I haven't had the time to make a post until now, which I'm sorry for. I'm nervous to write this, because I will be stating things that I have never told anyone before. I'm sure nobody is reading, so I'm not sure why it is affecting me so. Perhaps it is because even though I have known about this part of myself for a while now, and have even put money into it, I have never spoken or written it out for myself or others to see- to really admit that this is why I am here. Though, to be honest, I'm a little excited; I have been fearing but longing the time when I could let this out. Oh- and the fact that I'm typing it up on a laptop I just bought 13 hours or so ago doesn't hurt at all, either!

Let me begin by laying out just a bit of background on myself. I was born on January 16, 1992, in a Mobile, Alabama. I was quite a surprise to my parents. Only now did they learn that there had been a mistake in their planning. Doctors were sure that my mother was going to give birth to a bouncing baby boy- but instead, it was me. A female. My parents were quite happy about this, however, after recovering from the shock. Their experience with male children was not positive; my half-brother (17 years older than I) had been a difficult child, while my sister, seven at the time, was lovable and affectionate. They had a daughter.

From the time I started school, I was something of an outcast. I was not interested in the things the girls liked, so I was not able to socialize with them. I was not a boy, so in spite of my similarities to the boys, I was not able to socialize with them. I believe this is why today I have such a fear of other people, and find it hard even to talk to sales reps, extended family, store clerks... anyone I am not very familiar with. Anyhow, I grew up being a tomboy in every sense of the word. While I was in private school (Mobile Christian from grades K-4 through 3rd) I had one friend. I remember everything about her because she kept me sane even at that age. Then I moved on to public school. I had no friends in Elementary and few in middle school because I still just... didn't fit.

High school brought about a big change. My friends from middle school either fell away from me completely or became a key part of my life. I made friends with their friends. I was not popular- and still I often felt awkward- but I was no longer a loner. I came out of my shell a bit, but I still was faced with teasing. In 9th grade, I learned the term dyke. It was often applied to me. At first I didn't like it, but then... I tried to be a lesbian. It wasn't hard to act like a lesbian. I had a genuine attraction to the female body shape, though I felt stronger attraction to males. However, I could not bring myself to date a girl- even girls I had crushes on. Initially it was because my entire family is religious. (So am I, but I am under the impression that God saves... right?) But I grew to realize I also had a deep-seated hatred of female genitals- including my own. I'd wanted a male body my whole life, but I never grasped until now my utter disgust with female genitalia. I also came to hate my breasts very much, although I continued to find them somewhat attractive on other women.

Through the internet (which I had been steadfastly nerdy for since I was about 8) I met my first transgendered person- a male-to-female. I didn't think female-to-males existed yet, but the idea of a sex change disgusted me at this point. I longed so much to be a male... WHY would anyone give up what I desired so much?

When I met a female-to-male transgendered person for the first time... well, I thought it was weird. I didn't think too much of it, because it was no option for me, for familial reasons. But then, an artist I watched (and still do) with much respect on the website Fur Affinity came out as an FTM. I was astounded, shocked, and... obsessed. Not with the person: with the concept. It fit. I couldn't think of anything else. It consumed my mind. I stopped wishing I was more girly. I felt confident. I was a whole new person. My body-hate lessened. I started to care about my appearance, something I'd never done before other than to consider myself ugly. I started to dress better- but in male clothing. I stopped thinking I was an ugly girl. I saw a guy who needed to lose weight, but had the potential to be handsome. I began to feel a burning desire for... a beard.

That is almost precisely where I am today. This all occurred my senior year- I graduated about four weeks ago. The only progress I've made is to buy a binder, and express my dysphoria to my very closest friend. (She didn't like it much, but she didn't falter in her friendship for a second.)

However, I knew since finding out that... if I WAS an FTM, it was a negative thing. I could never transition because I could not tell my family. I come to you today as a person with issues. I do not consider myself FTM because I refuse to self-diagnose it. As soon as possible, I hope to meet a therapist and discover if I am transgendered, or if it is another problem. However, there are no LGBTQ therapists in my area, and I must visit the therapist in secret. If I visit and I am truly an FTM... I have to chose to live forever knowing I'm the wrong gender without transitioning, or I must lose my family.

Anyhow, there is my very, very long journal, and now a short introduction: I am Sydney but I prefer Sid. I prefer male pronouns but I don't enforce it. I also go by Milk or Milk-bone, as has been my "online nickname" for about seven years.

If anyone read this... Wow, I'm very sorry I was so long-winded. In the future, I hope to do videos, so perhaps it will be less monotonous.

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EDIT: Just for the record, I thought I'd throw a picture in. It's not a very good one, but... Well, I just think it's a good idea to put one here. My hair is long, but tucked under my cap. I'm growing it longer, so that when I cut my hair short, I can donate it to Locks of Love.
( Image under the cut. )